SG1 Alphabet
by spacegypsy1
Summary: A collection of short one shots involving SGC characters. First chapter: A B C D. There may eventually be some romance. Mostly playing around with SG-1, but others included. Rated T just in case.
1. Chapter 1 A B C D

SG-1 Alphabet

Spacegypsy1

A collection of short one shots involving SG-1 characters. First chapter: A B C D.

**Chapter One: A B C D.**

**=-=-=-=-=-=**

**A is for Annoying**:

Pop!!

The small chisel slipped, nicking his finger, producing blood and a "son of a bitch!" Head whipping around, he glowered, emphatically thrusting out the extremity with the bleeding digit.

"Oh! Darling, how did that happen?" Vala reached for his hand.

"The gum!" Daniel yelled, causing her to pull back.

With a roll of her eyes, she removed the gum with finger and thumb placing it into the his palm.

Returning to his task, Daniel tossed the gooey mess aside and concentrated harder in an effort to stop himself from strangling her.

"Aren't you going to stop the…"

"Quiet!"

Vala leaned against the cave wall and closed her eyes. With a disgruntled sigh, Daniel scraped at the stone, gaze focused intently. Peace reigned all of three minutes.

It started simple enough. The rustle of movement, a soft murmur, and then full blown fidgeting took over.

"Be still." His eyes darted in her direction.

Her arm up, elbow crooked, and hand down the back of her shirt, Vala squirmed.

His head dropped to his chest. "Vala! Please sit still, this is very delicate."

Suddenly she was up! Her vest hit him in the shoulder and Daniel, surprised, flinched. Her hands were whirling around, scratching her head, neck, and as far down the back of her T-Shirt as she could reach. Like an insane dance, Vala hopped around. The T-Shirt came off, fingers digging into flesh and hair in a blur.

Fascinated and flustered he watched. When she grabbed the edge of her chemise, he'd had enough and stood. "Stop!" Taking her by the wrist, Daniel pulled Vala out into the sunlight, grabbed her by the shoulders and presented her to Teal'c. "Fix this," was all he said before wandering back into the cave, shaking his head.

**B is for Babbling: **

"We're late." Eyes locked on the blue jeans clad six of Carter, Jack wasn't listening to the technobabble she spouted.

"Another five minutes, Sir, and I'll be ready to go. There's this subroutine that keeps looping back and throwing out useless data. The EMs are triggering a response that's really more of a phantom wave which causes the actual delineation to shoot off some abnormalities in the defense shield's molecular structure." Leaning on her forearms, Sam peered at the calculations.

Jack smiled when she folded herself over the workstation, stretching the jeans tight across her very nice butt. "No hurry, Carter, keep doing what you're doing."

**C is for Consistency**

Casually Dr. Lam strolled the corridor. When the 'urgent' announcement for her to return to the infirmary had come over the mess hall speakers, interrupting her lunch with Colonel Mitchell, she'd rushed out. Just outside the door she'd had this feeling.

She'd picked up the nearest wall phone and dialed the infirmary. The information she received confirmed her suspicions. Carolyn gave the Nurse Practitioner instructions, hung up the phone, and shaking her head she continued on.

The concussion was minor, the stitches needed…less then twenty, the right little finger was dislocated- for the fourth time in her career at SGC - however…the nose might need surgery.

Before the ENT surgeon would arrive she would already be there stitching the patient's forehead.

Fighting the urge to whistle, Carolyn stuffed her hands into her lab coat pockets. Always around the third week of each month he showed up. Consistently. She'd grown accustom to it. That was Siler's routine.

**D is for Dancing**

"I shall do it."

"Naw, come on Teal'c, you always take the hard stuff. I'll do it."

"ColonelMitchell, I am the most capable of performing the task with the least injury."

"I should do it. I know the most about it. There's a mental aspect to it that I've read about."

Teal'c raised a brow at Daniel, while Cam eyed the archeologist speculatively.

"Well, I'm certainly not going to do it!" The three men watched as Vala stepped back out of the firelight into darkness.

Sam moved closer, peering uncertainly at the 'it' in question. "It has to be dancing? You can't just walk…or run?"

Cam shrugged, Teal'c gave her a blank stare, and Daniel frowned.

"I shall do it." Teal'c told them all again, this time with finality.

"You can dance? I've never seen a Jaffa dance." Cam looked very interested, his gaze flicking back and forth from the glowing coals spread out in a line, to Teal'c. "Okay, man, it's your call."

"I cannot dance; however, I shall make an attempt."

"Whoa there, buddy!" Cam stepped in front of the Jaffa, blocking his path. "It's dance or die. I better do this."

Daniel grabbed Mitchell by the vest, spinning him around. "You'll just end up losing both of your happy dancing feet. I'll do it!" He began to unlace his boots. "I've studied the Ungaulie for some time now. I know the rudiments of their tribal dances."

"Oh, boy." Sam murmured, gaze locked on the fiery embers.

"Too late." Vala called from the shadows and they all watched as Teal'c, barefoot, arms waving strangely over his bobbing head, danced across the burning coals.

**~TBC – next.. E F G H... more silly stuff. **


	2. Chapter 2 E F G H

**Chapter Two: E F G H**

**E is for Elderberry**

"Aw, come on. It's my gran'maw's recipe. I made it myself." Mitchell looked around the group, pouring himself a glass of the wine and raising it to his team.

Each slowly raised their glass.

Vala was beaming, "Really?"

Grinning proudly, Cam nodded. "Yep, she got the recipe from her gran'maw."

Sam stared at the dark liquid in her glass, a distasteful grimace well controlled. "Oh?"

"I swear. It's like nectar and too much'll make you drunk as a billy goat." Gesturing with his glass he encouraged them to drink.

Teal'c took a sniff, brow raising way too high. "ColonelMitchell, I am unsure of what an Elderberry is."

"Well these I picked last time I was home. They grow wild."

Daniel nearly spilled the wine when he flinched. "You picked them! And then brought them here? And then you...made this?"

"Yeah, I've been drinking it since I was sixteen, best damn drunk I ever had." Cam walked around clicking each teammates glass. "Bottoms up!" He downed the liquid in his glass and smacked his lips. "Damn! Now THAT'S what I'm talkin' about!"

Vala drained her glass as well. "Yummy, Cameron. More please?"

Sam politely took a sip. "Nice." She emptied her glass, cocked her head and held the glass out for more.

Daniel mentally 'held his nose' and gulped it down. "Okay, not bad." He set his wine glass on the table and pointed with a nod.

Teal'c obligingly took a hefty swallow. "Good color, full bodied, not too sweet." Finishing the wine he too presented his glass for a refill.

"I made six bottles." Cam laughed as he completed pouring the second round.

Later Teal'c poured the last of the wine evenly into his and Vala's glasses.

"Muscles?"

"Yes?"

"Should we just leave them where they are?"

"I am sure ColonelMitchell has blankets and pillows we can make them more comfortable with."

"Daniel only had three glasses full." Vala sipped at the last of her wine, her gaze on the archeologist who was passed out in his chair.

"ColonelCarter had four." Teal'c carefully straightened Sam's head from its uncomfortable looking angle over the back of the couch.

Licking the rim of her glass Vala looked over at Cam who slouched half on the floor and half on the ottoman. "And Cameron six."

"I believe I hear the horn of the taxi cab. Shall we go?"

"Of course, I'm certainly not going to be here when they wake up in the morning!"

"Indeed."

**F is for Fishing**

Teal'c slapped his neck then eyed his hand and the remnants of the mosquito. His gaze went back to the dark still water where his fishing line disappeared.

Jack gulped down half a beer and grinned and a brow rose on the Jaffa, but he refrained from commenting.

Lifting his eyes from the book he read, Daniel twisted around in his chair taking a quick glance towards where Vala lay on a blanket, in a black bikini, eyes shaded with huge dark sunglasses. He whipped his head back around when she lifted the glasses to catch a look at him.

Cam, having caught the exchange, shook his head and cast his line again, this time tangling it with Carter's.

Sam was oblivious the fishing pole in her hands. Her eyes were closed, faced relaxed, and a huge smile graced her lips.

The click and whoosh of a beer tab popping open got Cam's attention and he turned to find a cold beer close to his face. Taking it from Jack, Cam nodded his thanks.

Laying the book open on the grass beside him, Daniel leaned forward with a wanting look and Jack reached to the bottom of the cooler and hiked a beer his way. Catching it one handed, Daniel grinned and flipped the tab open.

Before he could reach for his book with the other hand he found his lap occupied by Vala. Facing forward, she crooked her head around and handed Daniel a bottle of suntan lotion and appropriated his beer for herself. Obligingly he began to smear the goo over her back.

When Sam stood and stretched, Daniel, Cam, Teal'c, and Jack turned their gaze her way. Her two piece swimsuit, while not as small as Vala's bikini, still held their interest. She reached into the cooler and grabbed a bottled water and sauntered off towards the blanket Vala had been lying on. As she passed behind Jack, she nudged his neck with the icy wet plastic, giggled lightly, and went to spread out on the blanket.

Jack turned to the other three guys and pointed quite emphatically ahead. They complied immediately. Holding out another beer towards Daniel got Jack a shake of the head and two lotion lathered hands raised from the archeologist.

The warm sunlight, the smell of new mowed grass, and a gentle breeze lulled them all into a lethargic relaxed state. Not a word was uttered and the only sound was cicadas singing in chorus, and the occasional popped top, with a refreshing whoosh, accompanied by a periodic slap of bug squashing and the infrequent plop of a line tossed into the pond.

**G is for Goa'uld**

"Wrong. It's definitely 'he who speaks of war while sleeps as a babe'."

"DanielJackson. I believe I know Goa'uld better than you. It is most assuredly 'he who wages war while children sleep'."

"Well, you're both wrong! I'm the Goa'uld here, I should know. Daniel, you know the words and not always syntax, though you speak and read it quite well. And Muscles, while you've spoken the language a hundred years longer as a Jaffa, you were not invited into the private speak of system lords. You're both way off. It simply states "He who wars with his sleeping children. It's like the opposite of 'taking candy from a baby', referring the difficulty in dealing with Jaffa." Vala flounced her hair and grinned.

Daniel studied the text again, while Teal'c raised a brow in interest.

"Really. The jar probably held a symbiote some system lord had yanked out of a naughty First Prime. Like your Tau'ri English, Goa'uld is not always word for word..." Vala looked from Daniel to Teal'c, "...you know, Muscles, things like 'wild horses couldn't drag me away'...those sorts of things. Well, anyway, I'm off to help Dr. Lee unscramble some wavy pattern thingies in that funny looking device SG-14 found on PR2-8Q3 that the rogue NID left behind. Everyone thinks it's some kind of communication whatever..." Vala laughed, "...have you seen it!? It looks like a tool I once saw a slave use to open a jug of wine. Then I have to give a BORING class on recognizing the difference between tiny inconspicuous weapons and Goa'uld jewelry...gahhh, I hate that!"

Daniel brought the object closer and pulled out a magnifying glass. "I can see the words, but the bottle opener? She's kidding, right?"

"I do not think so."

**H is for Help!!**

I'm not sure how long it's gonna take, seein' as how I'm not sure where the rest of my team is and they sure as hell don't know where I am. I know Jackson took out after some pile of rocks that looked like a funeral pyre. Vala was supposed to stay by the Stargate, and the big guy was gonna take a look around the perimeter. Me? I wandered off towards the spot the UAV had landed.

The problem is... well one of the problems is, I changed my direction when I heard somethin' rustlin' around in the bushes. At that point I guess you could say I sort of went off on a wild goose chase. Literally. At least it kinda looked like a goose.

I wasn't being careless. Hell, it took us three weeks to get the mission goin' since so much has happened over the years. They sent two MALPs, three UAVs and studied data for two weeks. Nothin', not a twig out of place. They even ran some kinda sonar on one UAV to check things out.

We've been lookin' for a nice new off world base for a year. And this one seems to fit the bill.

So back to the problem at hand. I was eyein' that goose for a possible dinner guest...but the son of a bitch had a gaggle about the size of a crowd at a Memphis tractor pull. The honkin' and sqaukin' was loud enough to wake the dead. They rushed me soon as I came into a clearin'. I'm a good runner, damned good. And I can run backwards near as fast as forwards. Though, it's harder to see what's behind you. I toppled over into a crevice and landed on a ledge no wider then my butt.

Some might say that's plenty wide enough, but if you could see the endless drop below me, you'd get why my heart won't stop pumpin' an over abundance of blood through my body. I feel like my heads gonna explode any minute. 'Course that could be from the baseball size knot at the base of my skull.

I tried sittin' up. Only managed to lose my breakfast. My eyes crossed, my head did the Linda Blair spin around and I was out about twenty minutes.

For some darn reason I can't yell for help. Believe me I tried. My throat keeps closin' up. That's annoyin' as hell.

Radio? Ha! Who knows, guess it took the dive of death over the ledge. I think I remember pullin' it out, but not sure I got the button pushed before my hand started going numb and the thing disappeared.

Funny thing is, that's not THE problem. There's this bird thing. You know the kind, huge and ugly as sin...a beak like the jaws of life, beady eyes, cousin to the Pterodactyl, that's eyein' me the way I was the goose. I'm a goner soon as I pass out again, and that's any minute now. Somethin' is buzzin' in my ears. Sounds weird. Okay, I'm goin' now, closin' my eyes and...

"Mitchell! Mitchell!?"

"We will have to make a harness. I shall climb down and stay with ColonelMitchell until the rescue team arrives."

"Be careful Teal'c, and make sure he's not broken his neck or something."

"I will DanielJackson."

Vala rushed up, out of breath. "They're on their way, right behind me."

"Jackson? Could ya shot that bird?" Cam's hoarse whisper was faint.

"Bird? What bird? That little sparrow-like one sitting there watching you? You expect me to shoot it!?"

~TBC – I J K L


	3. Chapter 3 I J K L

**Chapter Three: ****I J K L**

**I is for Impress**

It was glitzy – lots of sparkling jewels, small but paramount in its glory. He had found it by accident. Dug it up when he'd slammed his trowel into the ground in frustration. The ping got his attention and he'd focused on the spot and pulled it out of the ground.

His first thought was Vala. The small, gloriously radiant piece was spectacular and just the right size. She would love it! Daniel blew the dust from the now twinkling treasure and smiled. Of course, he couldn't give it to her, but he certainly could impress her with it.

The prongs of the hair comb looked like pure gold. The gems that fanned out across the arc could be rubies and emeralds, the large middle stone resembled a yellow diamond. Taking a small brush from his pouch, he gently swept the remaining residue from the artifact and frowned.

Using the magnifying glass he more closely studied the piece. His frown intensified into a full blown scrunched brows, narrowed eyes, tight mouth scowl. "VALA!"

Her P-90 shot up in readiness, as did Teal'c's and Mitchell's. "What!?" She rushed over looking down at the object in his hands.

"Oh! You found it!" She snatched the hair comb from his hand. "I thought I'd lost it on the base. Imagine that! It's been missing for nearly two months. I guess it fell out when we were here last. Thank you, darling. It's one of my favorites. Lovely isn't it? Samantha bought it for me in that Egyptian store at the mall. It's a replica of the one…what? Why are you looking at me like that?"

**J is for Jell-O**

Sam stood in line, her head cocked curiously to one side as she studied the rainbow assortment of Jell-O "Hey, why no blue?" She asked with a pleasant smile for the woman behind the counter in the commissary.

"Well, Colonel, since you've been gone so much, no one ever ate it, so I took it off the line."

"Really?" Sam's voice took on a command tone. "Then why was there so much when I was here all the time?"

"Because you're Colonel Carter, and even when you were Captain Carter, Major Carter and Lt. Colonel Carter, nobody, and I mean nobody, woulda complained about all the blue. Mitchell's an strawberry man. Teal'c likes the raspberry, Pigtails likes the pineapple, the cherry and the peach passion fruit. Dr. Jackson sticks to lime, 'cept when he's eating out of Pigtails cup. When General O'Neill was still around he mostly ate whatever struck his fancy. Nobody else actually eats the Jell-O."

"Nobody?'

"No ma'am. When Jonas was here he ate it occasionally. And I think General Hammond, god rest his soul, ate some then too. Now, Ms Janet, that girl ate every color except blue. Tsk,tsk, such a wonderful gal, that Doc."

"Oh." Sam uttered sadly, "I'll have the peach passion fruit." Turning to look behind into the empty room, a lonely, forlorn feeling washed through her and with a weak smile Sam returned her attention to the woman.

"You're old team's scheduled to return soon, I already got the word from Walter. What say I mix up a batcha blue? You come back when they're all done checkin' in and we'll be ready. Just like old times, 'kay?"

"Thank you. And Lily, could you order me some boxes of blue to take with me? Maybe a case or two. I'll send a requisition from the George Hammond, soon as I get back on board."

"You got it, hon. Just like old times. Bless your heart."

**K is for Kel'no'reem**

I had most recently purchased a large assortment of new candles, a few with aroma, which I carefully chose to blend pleasantly.

While Kel'no'reem in its original meaning, was no longer necessary, I find that even with my symbiote now long gone, I need this practice to survive.

DanielJackson has offered numerous books on the practice of meditation from many cultures, and not all Tau'ri. I find each fascinating, though I believe the Tau'ri Buddhist and Native American methods are a blend and most assuredly came from or preceded Kel'no'reem.

As I open the package with my new purchases, I find several missing. That is rather anomalous. I looked around in puzzlement before assured they were indeed missing. Had the sales personnel failed to place these particular candles, all of the scented variety, into the bag?

I took inventory and discovered which ones had vanished.

The blue and glittered Tropical Jasmine - ValaMalDoran's favorite scent was jasmine.

The orange Mango and Island Fruit – ColonelCarter is well known for her love of all tropical fruits.

Lavender – DanielJackson often spoke of the healing and relaxing properties of lavender.

And the Cucumber Melon…undoubtedly, ColonelMitchell's much loved smell.

Puzzled, I sat down on the floor and arranged the remaining candles, lighting only those, and closed my eyes.

I had left the package for a short while on the desk in ColonelMitchell's office, but retrieved it as soon as I had returned with the information he had requested.

Next, I visited ColonelCarter. She was calibrating some crystals to return to the GeorgeHammond. I assisted her by 'fetching' and delivering a tool from SergeantSiler, leaving the purchases on her workstation.

Following that, I stopped by to visit DanielJackson, and perform the necessary 'firing upon the soft wind', as O'Neill had taught me. The archeologist asked if I would deliver a very heavy box of artifacts to the storage room and bring back another. I was happy to oblige and leaving my package on the counter across from his desk, I did so.

At that point I proceeded to my room, intending to 'Yell Outward', again, as O'Neill had instructed, to ValaMalDoran. She however, precluded my intention by careening around a corner and literally bumping into me.

Saving the package I carried by catching it as it fell, she grinned apologetically. At that moment, Dr. Lee approached us and began to ask my opinion on an issue he was having with a staff weapon crystal. I turned to him, leaving ValaMalDoran alone with my bag behind me.

Now that leaves a dilemma. As I do not know if; 1. The purchases were never put into the bag. 2. Each team member helped themselves each to one. Or more likely, 3. ValaMalDoran helped herself to all four.

I am sure none of them proposed to steal a candle. I am most baffled by this. Although my thoughts have returned to number three. It is not beyond ValaMalDoran's capability to unconsciously return to former practices and her need to…liberate objects that attract her attention.

The knock at my door stopped my thoughts. "Enter." I believe my voice held a note of irritation.

ColonelCarter entered, quietly. "Hey, Teal'c. I came to return this candle. It smelled so good I took it out to write down the name so I could get some and forgot to put it back. Thanks. I have to rush; I'm due on ship in ten minutes."

One mystery solved. I closed my eyes again, only to be disturbed once more. "Enter!"

"Look, Big Guy, I forgot to ask you where you got this? It's cucumber melon, makes me miss my gran'maw. Where'd you find it?" ColonelMitchell set it on the floor beside me and I gave him the name of the store, beginning to feel uncomfortable about my thoughts.

After he left I waited, but no more candles were forthcoming. I feared she took both of the missing candles. No sooner then I closed my eyes for the third time, the knock came and DanielJackson poked his head in.

"Teal'c, sorry, I couldn't resist the smells and I took these two out." Without fully entering, he set the two candles down. "I copied down the names and forgot to give them back to you. I think they'd be perfect for Vala and her birthday, I think the second one this year, is soon. I already got her some stuffed toys, a few hair clip things, some fancy bath bubbles, a gift certificate to Victoria's Secret, and a nice bracelet. I'm off to shop! Thanks."

I shook my head in self disgust. How could I have so maligned my friend and fellow resident alien? I retrieved all four candles lining them up in front of me, and turned to find the new matches I had also purchased.

"Muscles!"

Her outburst stunned me and my head snapped around. "Yes!?"

"Oh, it smells nice in here. Anyway, have you seen Daniel? I need to remind him of my birthday so he can have time to shop."

Picking up the candles, I placed them in the empty bag and held it out. "He is indeed shopping for you as we speak. And I have this for you…just until the actual day. Some small token of my esteem for you and all that you are, and do." I handed the bag to her. "Have no fear; I shall purchase a real gift for your birthday."

She leaned and kissed my cheek. "Thanks, Muscles. You're so sweet. But you don't need to buy me presents. I only have birthdays so Daniel will have presents for me. Don't bother getting me anything. But thanks for these." She stuck her nose into the package and sighed. "Lovely!"

When she left I closed my eyes and drifted deep into Kel'no'reem – I had a need for some mind-set modification, as O'Neill had taught me.

**L is for Life**

Life sure as hell ain't like a box of chocolates! Not any I've ever seen. But I gotta tell you, it's like a box of unknown ammo. You just hope you've got the right gun for at least one of those bullets.

We're on P2X-239. Again. It's a horrible little planet with horrible big people. Mean as snakes and dirty as a pig in a sty. There's a streak of Naquadah the size of the Amazon River here. And it's been a bitch to even talk to these people, much less trade with them.

They're the kind that hates outsiders. From the smell of the place I don't think they have much to worry about.

However, the whole lot of them has an eye for Carter and Vala. Not good. We've had to keep those two in our sight every minute. I think – and I'm not sure 'cause Jackson wouldn't elaborate on the translation – that their first offer of trade was for the females of our team.

None of us at the SGC has any issue with women in the military. And honestly, where would the SGC be without Carter AND Vala? And lots of other's. I'd be dead and gone, as would most of us, if not for Doc Lam, and my two teammates.

But still, sometimes things aren't the same around the universe. These women are doing what the want to, what they love. That's somethin'. Me? Oh yeah, what I really love, like right now I'd love to beat the crap out of these guys.

Teal'c looks as if he's gonna rip off a few heads with his bare hands. And Jackson? Damn! I don't know where folks get the idea he's a geek…not with that deadly glare of his…or those bulging arms, strained now that his P-90 is aimed dead center of the leaders forehead. Yep, we do what we love and love what we do.

I better calm the 'geek' down before things get tough…er.

~TBC M N O P


	4. Chapter 4 M N O

**A/N all ooops' are mine, not fully beta'd feel free to point out corrections needed.**

**M is for Munchies, Men and Monkey-business**

With over large rollers bobbing on her head, Vala took another piece of candy and popped it into her mouth. "Oh, these are yummy! What are they?"

"Milk Duds." Sam fished around the pile on the bed and made a choice, unwrapping and breaking off a bite. "Ahhh, wonderful!" While she chewed, Sam re-banded her sloppy ponytail, and put on an old ratty sweater over her large T-shirt.

"What? What is it?" Carolyn dropped the candy she had and reached for what Sam had picked out.

"Lindt's Excellent Chili Bar. I know it sounds awful, dark chocolate and chili pepper, but it's divine!"

Carolyn grimaced. "Never mind, I'll stick with the basics." She picked up a dark chocolate covered cherry and popped it into her mouth. "Oh, yeah."

"And theses?" Vala was still working on the Milk Dud while she snatched up a bag, dangling it between two fingers.

Looking up from her perusal of items splayed out like a feast across her bedspread, Sam answered, "Just what it says, Zapp's Spicy Creole tomato spiked with Tabasco. Their potato chips. And their hot."

A dark brow rose, and Vala grinned. "Like Daniel?"

"Don't start," both Sam and Carolyn said in unison.

"Okay, so maybe he is hot. But no more then the others." Sam stood and went to the cooler. "Beer?"

Nodding emphatically, Vala popped open the Zapps chips. "Should we turn up the thermostat, it is chilly." She unfolded her legs and stood, rolling the waistband of Daniel's boxers she wore, pulled a large sweatshirt – obviously Teal'c's – over her head and once again folded her legs and sat on the bed. "Well, it is a close call between Mitchell's six and Daniel's. And Muscles, wow, he's built! And very, sexy. Jack's cute, I'll admit that. But, Daniel still wins the prize."

"Cute? Jack's very sexy, tall and handsome. And a smile that could melt your heart. His eyes...his eyes are mesmerizing, and he's so funny and tender sometimes, too. It is a bit cold in here." Sam turned up the heat.

"I'm not cold." Carolyn took a moment to absorb the rest of the conversation. "Cam's dreamy, and his 'six' is the best on the base, Vala, at least according to my nurses. Though they insist, Daniel's eyes are the better of the two blues; I don't see it, myself. Did you say chocolate and beer!?" Incredulous, she crinkled up her nose, once again twirling her long hair into a messy bun and sticking the pencil back through it.

"Where have you been? You obviously have been living under a rock. Chocolate and beer...that's a given. But to each her own." Hand on hip, Sam waited. "And you're not cold because you're wearing Cam's flight jacket over his sweat pants and your dad's old flannel shirt. Soda? Water?"

"Rootbeer?" Carolyn asked hopefully.

Shaking her head, Sam held up a cola in one hand and beer in the other. "Nope, nothing but diet."

"I never understood that. Junk food and diet soda." Carolyn passed the beer Sam had handed her to Vala. "Water...okay, never mind, I'll try the beer."

Vala took a finger full of chips. "I've said it before and I'll say it again…there's a limited gene pool here, Daniel and Cameron could be…what are those twins? The ones that don't look alike but do…anyway," She stuffed the chips in her mouth. "Oh, crap, Hot!" Sucking down a long swig of beer, Vala blinked rapidly. She followed the beer with one of the Twinkies she'd opened and another handful of hot chips.

Both Sam and Carolyn reached for the other Twinkie, eyeing each other a moment before finally splitting it in half.

"Beer and Twinkies, now that's a different story." Carolyn grinned.

Meanwhile...

"So, Mitchell, what do you think those three are doing?" Daniel folded his losing hand and tossed the cards on the table.

Jack looked up from his cards, curious. "Yeah, I'd like to know what you think."

"As do I." Teal'c neatly stacked a large raise in the pot. "I raise."

"Damn!" Cam took a closer look at his cards. "I'd say they're at some shindig, like they said, dressed to kill and drinkin' wine, eatin' hummus and pita. If not, they're probably fixin' each other's hair and talkin' about clothes."

Cam folded, followed by Jack and Teal'c raked in the winnings.

Daniel tossed a twenty dollar bill onto the table. "I'll bet you that Vala's sitting around with those rollers in her hair."

Jack met the bet and raised twenty. "And I say, Carter is eating chocolate, and wearing a big T-Shirt."

Teal'c called the bet and also raised twenty. "And they are talking about us."

"I doubt it, Carolyn said something about going to a Museum party thing, maybe that's what they're doing. Besides, how you gonna prove it?"

Jack picked up his cell phone and turned it to speaker, hitting a speed dial number. "Hey, Siler, could ya go to Carter's quarters and say you came to see if her intercom is working. See what those three are up to. Call me back and don't mention my name."

Cam rolled his eyes and tossed a hundred dollars on the table. "I'm tellin' ya'll, Carolyn's neat as a pin and dressed to the nines."

When Jack's phone rang, they all sat forward, waiting. "Yep?"

"Sir," Siler's voice mumbled over the speakerphone. "They all went out to a museum for some charity get together."

Jack eyed Mitchell as the colonel raked in the money. "Oh. So what's wrong with you're voice?"

"I'm eating Twinkies, some hot, hot potato chips and drinking diet cola, nite, sir."

**N is for No**

"No way, never gonna happen" Jack straightened papers on his desk.

"But., sir.."

"Ack...Carter." Jack jabbed a finger upwards, then used it to point out the door. "And stop it with the sir, I know what game you're playing."

"That's ridiculous, I'm in uniform, and you're in uniform. We're in Washington." Sam glared, "I don't understand why you expect me to get a ride to Dulles, catch a flight to Peterson, and then a ride to Cheyenne Mountain to beam back to my ship!"

"I'm not having a bunch of people beaming in and out of my office anymore. Somebody's gonna get caught one day, and I'd have a lot to explain. Explain means paperwork! Now go. I have work to do. See you in two weeks."

"No you won't!" Sam stormed out.

"Carter! God damn it! CARTER!?"

"Oh no you don't!"

"Daniel!"

"No." Daniel tried to peel Vala's fingers from the artifact. "It's 'Ancient'. It's not just some shiny, sparkly, trinket."

Holding firm to the broach, Vala narrowed her eyes. "It's mine. Let go."

"Vala, you let go. And no it's not." Daniel glared back at her. "Everything that's shiny in the universe does not belong to you."

Vala raised a warning eyebrow. "Last chance."

He snatched the broach from her grasp and grinned manically, as she stormed out.

The Major passed her as he entered, stepping back out of harms way. Once she disappeared, he approached Daniel. "Dr. Jackson, here's the artifact you loaned us. We finished the carbon dating and the results should be back tomorrow." Carefully placing the jeweled broach on the archeologist desk, he waited.

Daniel's eyes blinked before going wide. "Uh oh." He placed the broach in his hand beside the other one. "Ah, Major, which would you say looks real?"

Pointing without hesitation the man said, "That one, I just gave it back to you. It's got the extra notches on the end of each tip of the star pattern. I remember when you bought the other one for Ms Vala in that museum. It's a close replica, like you said. We never did figure out where the original pattern came from." The Major looked up. "It's late sir, aren't you going home?"

"Nope. No. Nada. No use. By the time I got there she'd have the doors and windows locked and bolted and the alarm system on – having changed the code." His sigh was deep and troubled.

"No way, man! Are you nuts!"

"ColonelMitchell, I do not understand." Teal'c studied the colonel, with a hint of confusion in the tilt of his head.

"We are NOT, in no way, shape or form, goin' to escort a bunch of funky IOA wives around the base. Lunch in the mess hall!? A tour of the NORAD? And maybe even more, seein' as how they all have a background that gets them security clearance. Come on, man, you have GOT to be kidding me! You want to play baby sitter? Not gonna happen. We all know what happens when we take folks off world…nothin' good comes from that!"

"Did not General Landry order us to attend to the need of these 'funky' wives?"

Mitchell frowned, "not specifically. He said to make sure they got taken care of."

"And how do we take care of them, if we do not escort them?"

"I sent Dr. Felger, Dr. Lee, Siler and SG-2 to take them to lunch. Then I up-ed the time on our next mission, got the go, and just to be sure, got Jackson all excited about stayin' two extra days at the Ancient site. Vala packed her bikini, I'm takin' some fishin' gear, and you might want to bring bug spray."

"I see. You had thought to assure we will be gone during their visit?"

"Yep. And to secure the deal, I got Carter to agree to pick us up and drive us home! I managed to convince Landry we needed to have some time on board the George Hammond to do some routine exercises to keep us up to date. We'll be gone for more than a week. No chance of seein' them. So gear up!"

"You are most inventive. However, all three of the wives have top clearance. And I overheard General Landry speaking with the president about sending them with SG-1 on our next mission. I believe it would have been smarter to stay here for three days."

"Son of a bitch! I need to go…aw, damn, that's trouble…" Cam looked up to see General Landry escorting the group of women, in full SGC gear, coming their way.

**O is for Orders**

"Ah, General Lan…."

"Dr. Jackson, you all have your orders. Take them and leave or stay in the infirmary for a three day psyche evaluation. Either – Or. No other choices. No arguments." Landry scowled in a way that allowed no further incongruity.

Vala sat there staring wide eyed and worried while Mitchell just shook his head, Teal'c's jaw ticked and Daniel once again read the orders…out loud.

"From General Hank Landry, To," Daniel paused and waved a hand around the table towards the remainder of the team, "blah blah blah, etcetera. You are hereby ordered to take a three day leave of absence. Additionally, you cannot contact any member of your team unless contacted by myself…myself being General Landry," Daniel explained and received unhappy but understanding nods from his teammates, "It is strictly forbidden to leave the planet. It is strictly forbidden to carry work home or to any place you are spending your three day leave. It is strictly forbidden to engage in any work related activity." Daniel signed and continued.

"Each of you will be contacted if an emergency arises and your chip will be monitored to ensure you are not in close proximity to any other team member. You are not allowed to contact Colonel Samantha Carter. It is strictly forbidden to contact the SGC with the exception of extreme emergency, in which case you are to call the security officer and an SF will be dispatched. You are not allowed to contact General O'Neill or any other person with whom you have direct contact within Stargate Command, Cheyenne Mountain or any other facility connected in any way with your employment." Finishing, Daniel stared at the paper in front of him.

Landry looked around the table at SG-1, all of whom had their heads down. "You WILL get some rest. You WILL stop snipping, grouching, yelling and generally annoying the entire base. Go now. Leave. Do not return until the exact time indicated at the bottom of these Orders. Dismissed!" Landry pivoted around and stormed off towards his office.

"Man, that's…."

"Colonel Mitchell," Landry didn't turn around, but raised his voice effectively, "is there some part of those orders you didn't understand…like contacting as in speaking to your team?"

"Ah, no sir, sorry sir. Going, sir."

"General Landry. Sir. With all the due respect thingie, where am I supposed to go…" Vala blinked when the general slammed his office door.

No one moved from the conference table for a full minute. No one looked at the other, or uttered a word. Finally, Teal'c rose and quietly exited. Followed by Mitchell. Daniel and Vala stood at the same time, staring across the table and exchanging a frown that clearly indicated this was the result of the other's actions.

Vala snatched up her orders, tossed her head and dashed out.

Daniel sighed again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Four days later at exactly 0800, Cheyenne Mountain, SGC conference room.

"Hey," Cam looked up as Vala entered. "Did you get a new do?"

"Just a trim."

"You do look lovely, ValaMalDoran."

"Thank you, Muscles. I've been shopping! And staying in a Spa Retreat, and sleeping a lot."

"I toured New York City." The slightest of nods followed Teal'c's comment. "I bought a new vehicle, a more economically fuel efficient model. The Hotel Plaza Athenee was quite relaxing and had excellent accommodations. I must say I did enjoy my leave and upon reflection feel it was necessary."

Both Vala and Teal'c turned to Cam.

"I spent the time with my parents. I gained five pounds. Brought you, Vala, some pie. Worked with my dad on the property and loved every minute of it. Ditto, on the necessary." Cam, along with Teal'c and Vala turned to Daniel whose gaze was intent on the table in front of him.

"Jackson?" Cam prompted.

Daniel's head snapped up. "Huh?"

"Report?"

"Oh. Ah, er…I missed everyone, especially Vala…weird, I know. I totaled my car the first day, but didn't get injured, but my cell phone is still missing. I caught my kitchen on fire and had to stay at some dive motel, because my credit card – which I had replaced a few weeks ago because it went missing," he looked over at Vala with a kind smile, "…was maxed out and I couldn't get to the other ones because they are hidden in my office. I hung out with some street people near my motel…drank some interesting wine. My ID was stolen the first day, so I couldn't get money from my bank. I didn't have enough extra cash for a cab so I walked a lot and it felt good. I got arrested for public drunkenness one night with my street friends; we had a good time in jail…we all did karaoke with out the music. I suck at singing. I'm taking them all to lunch this weekend. There's a whole etiquette to street living and I'm thinking about writing a paper on it now that I'm back. I had to jot down notes on scraps of paper, because I couldn't afford to buy food and buy a journal. I stole a pen from somebody…I need to get it back to them. Vala, I thought maybe we could go on a date this weekend, you up for that?"

Vala's jaw dropped, mouth open to full capacity and eyes wide. Cam burst out laughing and Teal'c bowed his head in appreciation of the archeologist exciting adventure.

"Oh, and yeah, it was a necessary order, much appreciated and let's do it again soon." Grinning, Daniel looked at each of his friends. "God! I love my job!"

**Next: P Q R S (P was not behaving correctly, so I moved it…bad P!)**


	5. Chapter 5 P Q R S

**P is for Patient**

**a/n - sorry, not beta'd, just tossed out there....  
**

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Soft light did little to hide the lump of bandage across the head, or the swollen shut and deep purple eye, or the seeping gashed eyebrow that ran down into a seriously painful looking abrasion across the bruised cheek. Actually, the light shone strangely on the neon orange cast Vala had insisted on.

The quiet in the infirmary was intermittently marred by Jack's thumping his thumbs on the bedside table between the patient's bed and the one he sat on, like drumsticks– which each and every time got him a scowl from both Carter and Lam.

They waited. Any minute now, Lam had said. Just be sure the patient stays calm. Don't want any of the inside stitches to tear loose.

The patient stirred for the first time in thirty-six hours and the visitors were on their feet instantly, hovering like mother hens in a semicircle around the bed.

Vala took up the optimum position, across from Dr. Lam. Jack scooted in very close beside her and she glared and received a pointed finger towards the stars on his uniform. Teal'c chose the foot of the bed, Carter and Mitchell took the other side, next to Carolyn.

A weak groan escaped the patient. Then a rustle of sheets as he shifted, groaning once again. Carolyn laid a hand on his shoulder…after swatting Vala's hand away as she attempted to do the same. "Shhh, lie still. You're going to be fine." The doctor leaned in to whisper and the patient passed out again.

The collective sighs of frustration sounded like a hot air balloon deflating. Carolyn took the pen light and checked his pupils, then stepped back. Voice low, she reported, "he's good. The meds have him groggy, he should wake up…"

Daniel popped up to a sitting position like a jackknife, un-swollen eye blinking furiously.

Carolyn called out for assistance and med techs swarmed in.

Daniel groaned, "son of a bitch! What the hell happened?"

"Lie down!" Carolyn insisted.

Sam's eyes went large and round as Vala placed a hand to her mouth, murmuring, 'darling?'

Teal'c only raised a brow, while Jack let out chuckle.

"Hell, Jackson," Mitchell grinned, "nice to see you back amongst the living."

"Oiy, nail in the head." Daniel flopped back on the pillow. "For crying out loud! Couldya just all shut up!"

Sam, Vala, Cam and Teal'c all yanked their heads around to Jack.

Jack eyed the doctor with a bit of an awed expression. "Huh?"

Carolyn winced. "Maybe there was just the slightest bit of brain injury, but I didn't expect this. He should snap out of it and be himself again…in a day or so."

Jack could feel all eyes on him. "What!? It wasn't MY fault! He tripped, for cryin' out looo…" Jack threw up his hands in defeat. "I told him NOT to go in that old cave…it's been boarded up for years! And it's not even on my property! I specifically told him…"

The remainder of SG-1 once again took up seats in a vigil ignoring the general's ranting.

**Q is for Questions**

"Where?"

Jack pointed, glaring at his 2IC.

"Well, I don't see it!"

"Right there,"

"Right there, where, sir?"

"For crying out loud, Carter, it's right there!"

Jack snatched the telescope from her fingers and tossed it to Daniel. "You see it, right?"

Pulling his glasses off, Daniel peered into the scope. "Not seeing it." Casually, he handed it off to Teal'c.

The Jaffa studied the terrain carefully. "O'Neill. There is nothing there."

The four lay on the hillside watching the area around the Stargate. Jack reached across Daniel, and yanked the scope out of Teal'c's hand, receiving a warning glare from the Jaffa. "You're all blind as bats!"

Sam opened her vest pocket and pulled out her own binoculars. "I still don't see it. What is it?"

Frustrated, Jack turned over on his back. "That thing down there! It's plain as day!"

Face screwed up in annoyance, Daniel glared at Jack. "What thing?"

"The thing that's not like the other things!" Once again moving to his stomach, Jack aimed the scope, and pointed directly towards the spot.

Raising her field glasses, Sam looked again. "Maybe you have one of those floaters in your eye…"

Incredulous, Jack stared angrily at Carter, his mouth working but unable to comment.

Taking the scope from Jack, Daniel looked again. "Nope, nothing. Just that pile of trash that was there when we came through. We looked through it, Jack. There's nothing unusual about it."

"That, Daniel, was two days ago. I'm telling you there's something new down there. And we need to find out before we go running for the Gate and get ambushed."

"Ambushed, O'Neill? There is no one on this planet but ourselves."

"Then where did that thing come from?"

"What thing!!" Daniel dropped his head in irritation.

"Look, sir, I say we go down there, check it out, and dial home."

"What if it's a bomb, Carter?"

Standing, Sam dusted off her BDUs. "Then we blow up?"

**R is for Reminiscing**

Trying to get the General's attention, Sam nudged Jack without success.

Flipping burgers on his grill, Jack continued his story, laughing, beer in hand and his captive audience, Vala, looking oddly interested.

"Then she lays one on him! I mean a brain sucking kiss that left Daniel weak as a kitten…which wasn't necessarily hard to do. You should have seen him; he was bamboozled to say the least."

With a stab at a laugh, Vala nodded.

"I don't think the guy knew what hit him from the moment Kasuf handed her over." Pouring beer over the rising flames, Jack turned his attention back to the grill.

Vala nodded again, snatched the veil from her head, tossed it over a chair and took off in a huff.

"What'd I say?"

Sam shook her head, and left the General to his meat burning.

Cam smiled as Vala approached, and then looked back at Rodney McKay, "It's all in the mission report. Seems he had a fling with her for a few months, but as usual, he didn't pay enough attention. So, I think that's why she was so intent on getting back at him…I mean Osiris, who had her memories. And I think the Goa'uld had a crush on him too. From what I heard they had a hot little affair goin' when they worked together, I mean Sarah and Jackson. And who could blame him?"

"Ha ha, right." Shoving the bouquet of roses into Cam's hand, Vala moved on.

Looking around she took a safe bet, yanked the train of satin dragging behind her, threw it over her arm, and joined the group with Major Davis.

"Vala," Paul Davis nodded with a pleasant smile. "I was just discussing with Bill and Siler here, about that time SG-1 unknowingly brought Lania back, when she'd lost her memory, and that whole planet got younger. What was her name, then?" Paul looked up at Dr. Lee, who shrugged. "Ah! Ke'ra! Wow! Really a good looking woman, who would have thought she'd once been old! Ke'ra and Daniel had a thing going on; it was the talk of the base. Anyway…" Paul continued as Vala wandered off towards the house.

Adjusting the satin brocade bustier that pinched under her arms, Vala approached the kitchen where she heard Carolyn's voice. "No! You're kidding, right? Like Neanderthals? He was…I mean with the daughter of the leader?"

Sam answered, and Vala stopped just outside the door. "Melosha, she'd been with 'The Touched'. When Daniel got taken, well…let's just say he sort of…protected her."

"Oh, I see."

Pivoting, Vala exited quietly, going back out onto the deck and nearly bumping into General Landry and Walter. She jerked off the white pumps, handing one to Landry and one to Walter. They greeted her pleasantly, accepting the shoes and then continued their conversation as she walked passed. "Sir, I understood that Dr. Jackson was sort of 'with' Kegan, when they were in that underground facility on that ice planet. I remember General O'Neill, well, Colonel O'Neill then, talking about it. They were an 'item' according to him and…"

Making her way through the guests she couldn't avoid the conversations. Even Teal'c was engaged in telling a Daniel tale. "Hathor used DanielJackson's DNA to produced more Goa'uld offspring…it is no secret how she acquired it."

Twisting the new gold band on her left hand, Vala brushed through the crowd. "She was like some kind of princess." Colonel Dixon shook his head, "we wondered if he'd ever recover from that one. She used the Sarcophagus to addict him, since he saved her life and she thought he sort of belonged to her, she was determined to keep him. Shyla, that was her name, but there wasn't anything shy about her. She sure had him hooked…."

Anger rising, Vala stomped off. Lifting the bottom of her white satin skirt and exposing yards of crinoline, she tired to squeeze past Colonel Reynolds and Bra'tac.

"I really don't know." Reynolds answered Bra'tac's question. "Nobody does. But she nursed him back to health, and they spent a lot of time alone in that house." Colonel Reynolds took a swig of his beer, "Leda was the wife Jared Kane, one of the Rand Protectorate commanders. Story goes that she was left alone a lot by her husband…if you get my drift…"

Finding nowhere to escape the long list of Daniel's conquest, Vala sat down on the steps at the end of the deck, braced her elbows on her knees and sighed heavily.

"Hey. Where have you been?" Daniel sat down beside her, smiling sweetly. He'd removed the tux jacket, and had the starched sleeves of his white shirt rolled up.

Vala smacked him on the shoulder as hard as she could. Standing she glared heatedly, "Don't you EVER talk to me again!"

"What'd I do? Vala!" Daniel jumped up and rushed after his new wife. "Vala!?"

**S is for Spelling**

"Don't touch it! Jack, put it down."

"Oh for crying out loud! Daniel, what the hell is it?"

"Will you please stop?"

"No, Daniel..."

"Down, Jack. D.O.W.N."

"Okay. Don't Operate Without Nerd?"

"Well…more like Disappointing Opprobrious Waggish Negligence."

"Nice with the opprobrious.

Daniel glared.

"Obviously you don't know what it is." Jack, smug smile in place, tried to open the artifact.

"Wait!! It could be dangerous…at least to you." Not getting any response the archeologist stared threateningly. The two locked gazes.

"Now!" Daniel insisted after a long silence.

"Dick." Jack tossed the object to Daniel.

"Ogre." Daniel barely caught it.

"Wimp."

"Nihilist."

"Dimwi…huh?" Jack did a double take.

"Obdurate."

"What!!?"

"Nevermind." Daniel thumped his head on the desk.

TBC


End file.
